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Jokes

Discussion in 'Stand At The Bar' started by Jimmy, May 5, 2011.

  1. Jimmy

    Jimmy Well-Known Member Can Ban

    New Doctor

    I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned forty-ish.)

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
    He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

    'Nope, not any more,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

    Then he asked, 'Do you eat steaks and barbecued ribs?

    'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
    'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, enjoy playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

    'No, I don't,' I said.

    He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'

    'No,' I said...
    He looked at me and said,...'Then, why do you even give a sh
    !t?'
    Razorback likes this.
  2. Steph

    Steph Active Member

    LoL awesome! :LOL:
  3. Brian Jones

    Brian Jones Member

    LOL! Thank you I needed that today!
  4. Fargo

    Fargo Well-Known Member

    Thanks mate that brightened my day.
  5. Sarg

    Sarg Well-Known Member Can Ban

    Right on! Right on! Right on!

    Sarg
  6. Redheaded Stranger

    Redheaded Stranger Active Member

    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Thought you might like to try this one on.

    I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.

    When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a piece of horse poop. He finished that ticket and started a third..

    This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important at my age.
    QLDAussie likes this.
  7. Mockingbird13

    Mockingbird13 Active Member

    Wow - I wish I could find the nerve to do that !!! Thanks for the giggle !
  8. Mockingbird13

    Mockingbird13 Active Member

    Unless you are the lead dog
    the view never changes.
  9. Redheaded Stranger

    Redheaded Stranger Active Member

    We frequently mention walking on eggshells around our Veterans due to PTSD so I thought I'd look at it from the other side. In an effort to help the male Veterans try to navigate life with regular, every day females, I thought I'd offer a rare peak into our cryptic but very meaningful dictionary of terms. Hope this helps.... and usual disclaimers apply about not wanting to offend anyone....

    WORDS WOMEN USE

    FINE
    This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

    FIVE MINUTES
    If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    NOTHING
    This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "Nothing" usually end in "Fine."

    GO AHEAD
    This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

    LOUD SIGH
    This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

    WHATEVER
    This is a woman's way of saying "*!#@! "

    THAT'S OKAY
    This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    THANKS
    A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
    william, Tim &Bailey, Abnvet and 5 others like this.
  10. willis williams

    willis williams Active Member

    I figured most of these out a while ago but the ones I didn't thanks. I also needed a laugh. So thanks again.
  11. willis williams

    willis williams Active Member

    My mom sent this to me thought the bullits were funny.

    The True Meaning of Stress
    A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'..... She fooled them all... "How heavy is this glass of water?", she inquired with a smile.

    Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.

    She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

    "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

    Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now 'supposed' stress that you've conquered!"

    1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

    2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

    3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

    4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

    5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

    6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

    7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

    8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

    9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

    10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

    11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

    12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

    13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

    15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

    16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

    17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

    18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

    19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

    20 * It was I, your friend!

    *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!
    william, Ned, Tim &Bailey and 3 others like this.
  12. Jimmy

    Jimmy Well-Known Member Can Ban

    Absolutely awesome mate
  13. Steph

    Steph Active Member

    This isn't a joke exactly, but I love it!! Dedicated to all that served:

    Navy SEAL teaches the Instructor!

    Two things Navy SEALS are always taught:
    1. Keep your priorities in order
    2. Know when to act without hesitation
    A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted:

    "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.
    I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!"

    The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

    Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!" Again after a few more minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God! I'm still waiting!"

    His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a NAVY SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold.

    The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent ..... waiting.

    Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

    "God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an idiot. So He sent me."
    Barberian, william, Ned and 3 others like this.
  14. Redheaded Stranger

    Redheaded Stranger Active Member

    Jimmy, this one's for you..... (Unattributed. Don't know who wrote it)

    My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly.

    One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

    Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me.." Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse.

    Sooooo....I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an ac! ci! dent?"

    Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...."SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!" While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.

    Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time...I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."
  15. Redheaded Stranger

    Redheaded Stranger Active Member

    For all you engineers (and other geniuses) who have difficulty converting units.
    1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
    2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
    3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
    4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1bananosecond
    5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
    6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
    7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
    8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
    9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
    10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
    11 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
    12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
    13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
    14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
    15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
    16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
    17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
    18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
    19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
    20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
    21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
    22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
    23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
    24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
    25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
    26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
    Ned and Mockingbird13 like this.
  16. Redheaded Stranger

    Redheaded Stranger Active Member

    The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries:

    Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

    Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

    Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

    Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

    Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver.

    Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

    Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

    Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

    Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

    Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

    Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

    Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

    frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

    The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:

    Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.

    Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

    Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

    Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

    Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

    Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
    Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

    Glibido: All talk and no action.

    Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

    And, best of all . . . .
    Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
  17. Steph

    Steph Active Member

    LOVE it!! I put this on my Facebook Wall!! :)
  18. Redheaded Stranger

    Redheaded Stranger Active Member

    ANYONE WHO EVER HAS HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK CAN RELATE TO THIS.

    A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring rain is asking for a push.

    "Not a chance," says the husband - "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

    "Who was it?" asks his wife.

    "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push," he answers.

    "Did you help him?" she asks.

    "NO, I didn't - it's three in the morning and raining cats and dogs out there!"

    "Well, you've got a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on our vacation and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."

    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello-are you still there?"

    "Yes," comes the answer.

    "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

    "Where are you?" asks the husband.

    "Over here ...... on the swing," the drunk replies.
    Tim &Bailey and Resilientgirl like this.
  19. Jimmy

    Jimmy Well-Known Member Can Ban

    lmao, thanks a million. I needed that.
  20. Redheaded Stranger

    Redheaded Stranger Active Member

    Afraid of Dentists?

    Cowboy goes to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. Dentist wants to administer anesthetic.

    The cowboy grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles, I'm not having any shot!"

    So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

    The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

    So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here," he says. "Take this pill."

    "What is it?" asks the cowboy.

    The doc replies, "Viagra."

    The cowboy looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.

    "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."
    Brian Jones, Abnvet and Mockingbird13 like this.

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