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Emotional Abuse??

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Steph, Mar 17, 2011.

  1. Steph

    Steph Active Member

    Sometimes my guy lashes out at me and insults me and talks down to me for things that are out of my control and when I try to defend myself, he tells me to stop whining and to "grow the fuck up". I won't even mention some of the even more "colorful things" he has said, I don't want anyone to pass judgement on him. This is the man that I am engaged to marry. I know that only I can control my feelings, and that no one can make me feel a certain way, but OUCH! :( I have worked in human services before and have taken classes on domestic abuse and all that, and I know that what he does to me - the yelling, the swearing, insulting, withholding affection (for the sole purpose of hurting me) all of this falls into domestic abuse. If he didn't have PTSD, I would not be able to look past these behaviors, but because I know him and I have researched and studied PTSD, I know that if I am truly not doing something wrong I need to grow a thicker skin and learn to let the words and actions roll off my back and try to have faith that he will eventually "come back to my side of the wall" and things will get better. The problem is that it really really hurts me still, that I know he loves me, but still says these hurtful things to me. :( When things do get better, part of me is still stinging and I find it very hard to forgive him sometimes and not mention it or try to get little digs in now and then. :(

    One example: ok, I only have like 70% hearing in my left ear and like 90% hearing in my right ear (untreated ear infections as a child, apparently I was pretty tough or something! my mom didn't even know I had them until my eardrums broke) but to compensate for the hearing deficit I only use the phone on my right ear, with the volume turned all the way up all the time. Sometimes my fiancee mumbles (we all do sometimes, right?) and when I ask him to repeat himself, he blows up at me and starts yelling sarcastically into the phone like I'm totally deaf, then when he hears the tears in my voice, he just hangs up on me. Later he comes back at me and tells me that I don't listen to him, that I don't pay attention to him. I have talked to him about this once and he clearly understands that its physical problem that is out of my control and that it really hurts me to be berated. But he still does it...that to me isn't PTSD, its simply him disrespecting me and mistreating me. However:

    Once he "slipped" and let me know one reason he gets so irrate and furious...in the middle of the ranting, he called me "private" and later said something about "in the time it takes me to repeat myself, we could both be dead" :( I cried more over that comment then I ever have over the way he treats me. I am so angry that the reward for defending the rights of others in Iraq, my love is cursed with this flippin' disorder from hell. :(

    I just want to shake him and slap him back into civilian life and tell him there are no enemies here, no one trying to kill us...but I can't and I hate that :(

    I guess I just had to get that off my chest...thank you for reading :)
    jan-Pattern and "Wife of" like this.
  2. Jimmy

    Jimmy Well-Known Member Can Ban

    Once again, I do know where you are coming from. I verbally abused my children (and belted my children not my wife) and my wife and it was shame I had to deal with and accept. Sometimes I hate to think at how this abuse has affected my children and whether it has had any long term affects.

    But I will tell you this. Can you please have your rant in the supporters section. I am not going in there any more and its a section designed just for you. I won't be nasty and explain that this forum is for us veterans and we have pretty low self esteem anyway.

    I still hate myself sometimes, but I have to live with the fact that I abused my children, verbally and physically and I did not know what I was doing. At the time we did not even know what PTSD was.

    So, after all this ranting, I will apologise for him. He may think he has control, but once that tachometer gets to red line, he has no real control unless he has had heaps of therapy and has learnt how to work with the cognative process.
    I still lose it sometimes.

    Personally, I don't mind you asking questions on PTSD, but please don't have a go at him. He really does have a problem with it and a lot of the veterans are not as lucky as me and do not have easy access to therapy or the right medication.

    Jimmy
  3. Steph

    Steph Active Member

    You know what?? I haven't really poked around on here alot lately and I didn't even realize there was a Supporter's forum (how thoughtful was that! :) ) until after I posted this. You are right, that is where my post should have gone, but still you answered it and you are very wise and kind, thank you very much! :)

    Blessings!
    ~Steph
  4. willis williams

    willis williams Active Member

    I think your hurt from this will hit just about everyone but like Jimmy was saying for those of us that have dished this out because we were untreated or undiagnosed it's like having a hot poker digging in to a wound that won't heal. I to am sorry for what he is doing and going through because most of us know first hand. Just a suggestion try couples counciling one built around ptsd couples the VA usually has them they might be 6 weeks or more one night a week. If you don't have access to that there are a lot of other programs to help with communication in a relationships. Good luck. TEX
    QLDAussie likes this.
  5. Steph

    Steph Active Member

    :( the last thing I want to do is cause anyone more pain than I already cause my soldier...should I delete my thread? I liked your comments and thoughts and have already absorbed them and put them into action. But I truly don't mean to hurt anyone :(
  6. willis williams

    willis williams Active Member

    No don't delete your post we've allready seen it and it is a learning expierience for all. Sometimes we have to face our demons and we don't like it . We were not trying to chase you off just remember when ranting about your soldier you will get negative feed back if someone deems it unfair especially if the vet is not on here to defend his self. We have a bond of service,some combat, and on here PTSD and nobody likes thier misstakes rubbed in thier face. I personally was verbally abusive to the point of I had to win no matter what. When physically push and hit by ex I head butted her really hard just out of instinct. I dragged her from my place of living when she showed up and refused to leave and went jail and never hit her. I could go on and on but we have come to terms with a lot of our past. I was untreated for so many years I can't even remember all the bad shit i've done. So it brings up bad memories and especially me and jimmy will catch a post no matter what maybe not right away if it is running down on another combat PTSD sufferer or the other types of PTSD on here and you can gairenty we will fight for the vet and our comfort everytime. If it is bad enough and Anthony reads it he don't post alot but he ain't shy. So just rant about your man in the carers rant and learn and enjoy give input to what we may be doing wrong but don't dog on the people that gave up thier mind for the freedom so we can sit and post or do all the silly shit we want to. Every vet on here has at least one reason they faught for that is good no mater what country and each country has freedoms that would not be there if it weren't for vets so when dogging happens to a vet our hackles go up. TEX
  7. jan-Pattern

    jan-Pattern Member

    Steph, it took me several visits here before I scrolled further down the main forums list and found the "supporters" bit! So you aren't alone...

    Guys, maybe whoever runs the site could put a wee banner across the top? Just a one-liner, like "the main forums are for Vets - scroll down to see the Supporters' forum area" and then in the supporters' area something explaining that Supporters aren't banned from posting in the main forum areas, but... etc., etc.

    ? Worth a try? That's a couple of us in a month... as it gets busier, maybe more, and this isn't exactly stuff any of us wants to risk making worse by mistake!
    Steph and NikkiNikki like this.
  8. Jimmy

    Jimmy Well-Known Member Can Ban

    Nah, its a learning experience. I was just having a bad day, not your fault.
    Besides, if you have a comment in the main forum, we would welcome it with open arms, to get your side of the story.
    Just don't make it personal. I hope I am making sense here.

    I don't go in the supporters section anymore. So if you have any questions, ask them in the general area and I will be only too happy to answer.

    Jimmy
  9. femalevet

    femalevet Active Member

    and let me add that it is not just the male vets who hurt (whether physically or mentally) those they love. i lost a man i had known and been in love with since i was 9 years old. he is gone and i hate myself because i believe it was mt fault for i have been a mental mess since I got out if Iraq the last timeand it has largely come out as verball abuse towards him. one day he left and that is that. but i know now that I was a sick human and if he does not realize that then there is ;ittle I can do. But I try to make him understand when I can get in touch with him. I have lots'a'splaining to do.

    I hope you get the help you neeed in the supporters section. I am sure there are many there who can point you in the right direction.
  10. Jimmy

    Jimmy Well-Known Member Can Ban

    Hey, sorry Miss America (lol) about that. I normally stipulate male and female. We are all vets and we all get affected.
    You will find a man who loves you for you.

    Jimmy
  11. femalevet

    femalevet Active Member

    several 70's metal/rock songs concerning love "being" certain things comes to mind.....

    next time it is sex and money for me.
    being miss america among other things, I am orefer to be known just as Dawn....and ooooooooooooohohohoohoh----
    ,y first name is "Jacqueline" which is friench in fact! and damn proud I must day. I dont like it when 'mericans call me Jack-lin. Pronouce it in the frnch fashion or do not rven try.

    Call me a traintor if you will but this thread has defeinitely gotten me in touch with my fench side...but my Scot side still would like to kill the little people who like to set IED's on roadsides where my American counterparts have to trravel....and how I myself got hit.

    Bottom line - french okay

    halj's - notsamuch

    but who knows maybe we will be friends ina hundred years.....NOT

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