Not A Common Story No Where Else To Turn

Hi All,

Well this is an odd thread but I feel that soldiers with PTSD could be the only people who could relate to what I have had to be put through. I have owned a large dogsled company for the last 15 years. As the economy turned we were forced to sell to a corporation 2 years ago. They did nothing but complain about costs and were not willing to sell some of the herd because they wanted all the animals on deck "in case" it was busy. We had 330 dogs. most of them were raised by me and family (2 kids, now 7 and 11) This year I have lost the medial tendon in both my arms and have badly damaged both ulnar nerves. I was scheduled for surgery in early May. 2 weeks before surgery (still working) I was told the company was going to fold unless we took drastic action. The drastic action would be the immediate disposal of half the herd. There is no more money and the owners would only continue on if we did the reduction and went with a new business model, less dogs, less costs. These were my family. I reluctantly agreed to the job as I have always euthanised the older or injured dogs myself. Taken them for a nice walk, had a steak in a bowl in the woods and their last memory was a lovely mountain setting with a great meal. And always away from the rest of the herd. Well I was told I had 2 days to get the job done due to a large tour group we had coming and we couldn't afford more time. So I my manager take a truck to the bottom of the road so no one could come up and gave him a radio in case I shot myself. I then set about the direct execution of 60 of my friends on day 1. Some I missed, had to chase around with blood everywhere, some I had to slit their throats because it was the only way to keep them calm in my arms. I had one still alive in a pit I dug for a mass burial. I carried them all one by one so as to at least give them some kind of respect. Day 2 was no different. I guess I need people who have been to hell and have seen hell to understand how I feel and maybe be able to listen and share. I dunno if this is the right place, if not feel free to boot me. I have tried other forums but it is mostly out of work people, divorces, run of the mill stress. I have been diagnosed with complex ptsd, i cut myself to have some feelings, drink to have feelings otherwise I'm pretty dead emotionally. I cant sleep, I have regular flashbacks, I sometimes drop when I hear a dog bark, and gun shots freeze me solid. Overall a bit of a mess. I have great kids and a supportive wife but I fear my behavior is escalating and I may be forced to move out so as to not completely freak them out. That's my story. Oh yeah, surgery came out poorly, left my right arm worse than before, and they don't want to do my left one for fear of messing it up too. This leaves me in chronic pain. Thankfully I had full medical coverage and am able to support my family through all this. Kinda at rock bottom here. Hope I can connect with some of you and help and be helped through PTSD hell

Bob, I don't know what to say mate. Thats bloody horrible. I'm truly truly sorry for you. Not that its much help mind.

Bob,

Mate, I can honestly say I don't understand how you feel. It would have been horrible.
Not being harsh, this a site for Combat veterans. There is a sister site called PTSD Forum. That site is for all other types of PTSD including complex PTSD.

I do feel for you though mate


Jimmy

Hi Bob - not sure if you're still around or if you've already gone on to the other site. I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of what you had to do - and how unsurprised I am that it's haunting you. We race sled dogs in the UK as a hobby and I couldn't begin to think of what it would do to me to have to do what you did.

Difficult to find the right words Bob. Such a heartbreaking thing to have to do. I do hope you can get some professional help, especially if you're thinking of moving out - please don't isolate yourself, stay in touch with your family somehow. And there are a lot of great people on the PTSD Forum who are very supportive.

I know I am not a combat person but the other forums do not delve into the kind of death and destruction I have seen. I have been killing for a long time. Loud noises. Gun shots. Friends dead. Tho 4 legged. They were my life. I cant go somewhere else. I have tried and it doesn't work. They don't get it. This is not like losing a job or a wife. I have had to execute and watch most of my best friends die. I hope you all can accept me and offer some advice or maybe just listen. My brother in law in the Canadian forces suggested this to me. I am in a hopeless place. I hope you understand
Thank you all

Hey Bob,

I suppose I was just playing the devils advocate. You can hang around I suppose, but ultimately its up to Anthony, the websites founder and administrator. He is a fellow Combat PTSD sufferer. He makes the rules.

He is on holidays at present. Just be prepared if he says no. If he says yes, then welcome to the forum.

Jimmy

Bob,
I grew up on a horse farm and had to euthanize any of the animals that would get sick or injured. We had cattle, hogs, chickens, dogs- you name it. I can't even imagine the pain that was going through your body then and now. I was also a Sgt in the Marines, the experiences never go away. your life is changed forever, it's finding a new purpose that takes you from the dark places you go in your mind. I went into Manual Medicine after I got out of the Marine Corps. I needed to understand what the hell I was going through. Through my education I've come to realize allot about the trauma we've experienced and the bodies response. When that much adrenaline and other hormones are rushing through your system, your mind almost goes blank - ultimate focus. What I've found that is so encouraging is that the bodies natural response to touch helps to escape the anxiety momentarily. One of the biggest complaints is the space at the base of the neck between the shoulders. This area is a concentration of nerves, which control all of the muscles and organ tissue of the upper body- Massage may help (Ah Shiatsu or acupressure). With the release of muscles that the nerves lay within comes relief. It opens up the breathing and then works out the chronic fatigue. Something else that may help would be to find a cause - maybe rescuing animals or volunteer at a shelter. The way to look at it is, Today I want to make more progress than yesterday, what can I do that is productive and positive. It can be anything really- as long its putting good back into the universe. you've already started doing research into PTSD and that's the first step. continue on, find a source of renewal. There are bomb sniffing dogs that are returning with PTSD currently http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/08/03/national/main6739176.shtml hope that this was helpful. I understand your pain, sincerely. stay strong.