I Feel Like I'm Loosing Myself

hi all, i'm new here. was researching anger and PTSD and i found this site. glad i found it because we're all vets and have a common problem. i need advice on how to handle my anger. everytime me and my wife talk, if something pops up where i feel like she's wrong, or my daughter did something wrong, or anything that i feel threatened by, i get mad. and its getting worse. last week arguing with my wife, i reached up grabbed a picture frame, and put my fist threw it. (i would never ever hit my woman, i can funnel my anger towards objects. i punch things). i came home with 14 stitches. we got into another argument last night, and we ended up going to different places for the night. i talked to her this morning and i told her that i'm tired of all the fighting, and i want us to be like we used to be. all lovey dovey. she told me that basically i'm a dick. she loves me to death and wants to grow old with me, but she just wants to punch me in the face all the time because all i do is bitch and complain about everything. and that i let the simpliest things get to me, get mad, then stay mad and hold a grudge. we don't have sex becuase i thought she had something wrong with her since my son was born, but she told me today that she just doesn't want to have sex with me because i'm such an asshole all the time and she just wants to knock me the hell out. my anger is really obvious to me now and i don't know how i can fix it. VA is giving me the run around about getting benefits for PTSD, "don't contact us, we'll contact you when we get to your case". bullshit! and the depression is bad too. i don't want to go to work, but i don't want to go home and deal with that either. i don't know what i want. i did cut down on my drinking because she said that i'm buzzed a good three times a week, and i don't want my son to see that as acceptable. so i slowed down on that, but it makes me irritable. i told her that i would let things roll off my back mor and have a "fuck it" attitude now. not let things get to me and stop bitching about everything. but i still bad that the love of my life told me that she's tired of me, and that i mentally drain her with all my bullshit. that i use to never be this way. its gotten worse over time, and i just want to get my life back on track and make my wife happy to be in love with me again.

Hey Chris, welcome to the site. Where did you serve?? Sounds like you have the Beast we all have. I had to wait over a year before I got some help. In the mean time this site has helped me greatly. The situation you are describing is all too familiar to many of us.

Take a look in the media section, and read and watch some of that stuff. Information helped me greatly. If your wife wants to, you can share some of the info with her. It might help her understand things a bit more. Mine did not want too. I had already damaged too much so now I'm getting a divorce. You are not that far. Which is good. Early days.

There are also some members here who have been up, down, in and out of the VA system, so allot of good info on that here. All you have to do is ask.

Take care my man. See you around the forum.

Wagon

Hey Chris,
Good to cut out the drinking... positive first step.
Just take wagons advice, and if you want to let loose...jump on here for a while and let er rip.
No one will judge you here cause most of us have been through what you are going thru. Or still are.
Sounds like you're doing the best thing and addressing this now before it gets worse.
Brave my friend... keep up and be positive.
With right help and ppl to chat with it will turn out for the best in the end.

Stay strong brother.

thanks wagon and jamz. i served in OIF 1 and OEF 6 with the 173rd ABN. i just got home from lunch and we actually had a positive conversation. she's pretty much been in a funk sine the baby was born 9 months ago. its really hard for her to be a stay at home mom and be home all day. she says she feels like she's rotting inside the house. and then her depression comes over to me, then we're both depressed, then i get irritated, then it usually blows up from there. but i did tell her about this site, and that it at least makes me feel better knowing that its PTSD that's causing this and not something i brought upon myself. like i became an alcoholic or a drug user. this is something i have no control over and and i did not get this from my actions. so that makes me feel a little bit better. and i did tell her i want to get some kind of help, and that i realize it now that something is wrong with me, in my head, and i don't know how to fix it, but i'm trying. she commended me for that, and said she supports me. i'll have to check out the media section like you said wagon. and as of right now i feel better than this morning, but its good to have this site because although i'm good now, i could start an argument and a fight at any time without even knowing it.

Baby steps Chris...
it's good you recognize.

And thanks for sharing some insight to your family.
Helps us understand things better.

Try to take your time and let each other know when you're feeling that funk.
Goes for your wife too. Communicate.

Research, and any questions ask.

We have your back, Troop!

AIRBORNE!

Hey Chris,

Went through the same thing with my wife. It's called Post Natal Depression. My wife just sought help now after 6 years. I can't say anything, I did not seek help for PTSD for 21 years or better.

She probably needs a bit of help in all this too. Talking is a great thing. Keep talking, don't stop.

Wagon.

Hey Chris, welcome to the forum.

You will probably hear this a lot on this site, but what you have said above is a mirror image of what my life was like, and still is to some extent. You see, when we are uncomfortable inside our heads, it does not matter what is said, we will become defensive anyway. I had six kids and some nights I wouldn't be happy until all the kids were crying and my wife was locked in our room. We don't mean it, but we just can't seem to control it.

You must have a very loving wife mate and she must have extremely thick skin. Mine left me.

This one is simple. Women are real strange creatures and like to feel loved and feel all nice about themselves. Why would she have sex with someone who is angry at her all the time.

Mate, I don't know where in the USA you live, but there are some guys and gals on here that might be able to point you to a veterans centre or somewhere else. The only way to fix this is to get on some medication to calm the beast down so you can work on how to manage it.

Have a read of these links too, and even get your wife to read them. It may give her an understanding of what she is up against.

http://www.mycombatptsd.com/threads/what-is-combat-ptsd.175/
http://www.mycombatptsd.com/threads/understanding-ptsd.459/
http://www.mycombatptsd.com/threads/combat-ptsd-cup.170/

The good news though mate is that it is treatable and manageable. I know of a lot of guys that have saved their marriages. Mine went to the dogs, but I found a new wife and we manage to live with the beast even though it appears from time to time.

Keep your chin up mate. It does get better.

Jimmy

Hey Chris

Welcome to the forums. A bit late for the party as usual. Jimmy and the guys have outlined some stuff for you to check out. This is a good place and I'm glad you found us. Hang in there Bro, it's a bumpy ride but it does get better.

JarHed

Welcome, Chris,

As far as the VA, got to: WWW.Hadit.com and ask questions about your claim. The ladies there know more about the VA than the VA does. Ask questions about if it's possible to speed things up.

The guys are right about talking to your Lady. The more talk, the more understanding and more working together to solve problems.

Ask your questions here as well, there's a huge knowledge base here. Take good care.

Sarg

Hey Chris welcome aboard and I know that anger all too well. If you ever feel angry enough to hurt someone or hurt yourself this is the number to call on this site I am posting... take a look around it.. It's for veterans specifically... and I just noticed family members can call as well. it's http://www.veteranscrisisline.net/

The number is on the top right of the screen. I am no stranger to those people... There were a few nights of extreme depression or rage I had to call.. I was scaring myself. Both times they got me in to see a psych person at the VA by the next mornng. (I called at night) Really good listeners on there and they are used to people who carry what we do... and I am sure there is very little you could tell them that would even make them blink.

Theres generations of exeperience here... and everyone want's to help each other.. some days this place was the reason I made it through without a breakdown...

Good luck and good to see ya here!

Oh here is a page where you can search for the closest veterans service center.

http://www.vetcenter.va.gov/

thanks guys for all of the support. even though i came home from lunch yesterday in better spirits, i found that the depression started sitting in again when i came home for the day. this morning the depression got the best of me, and as usual, it turns to frustration, then hatred and anger. all i could look forward to was coming to work to come to this site. you guys told me to vent if i need it and i am. so i apologize for a very long message that i am about to post, feel free to skip to the next message if you'd like. here's a little of what's going on in my head since lunch yesterday:

i felt good after lunch that we actually talked and i told her that i understand that i have a problem and that i want to fix it. that she is the love of my life. when i got home she was watching her shows on the tivo and it bored the hell out of me cause i hate her shows, but i sat there on the other counch anyway. actually trying to fall asleep early because i felt neglected and just wanted to go to bed. i feel that when she doesn't give me any attention or sexual attention, it hurts. i don't need to get laid, but something! give me something! look at me, make a sexual comment, rub my back or hair or something. especially if your laying on the couch with your night gown on, and its pulled up all the way to your crotch and i just want to rub your legs or caress you. so we go to bed because we're both tired. our blanket is dirty and she hasn't washed it in what feels like a week, so we are sleeping with individual blankets. so no bodily contact while we sleep all week. no cuddling throughout the night. i wake up this morning and try to get close to her and her night gown is pulled up all the way to her back, and of course her naked bottom is smiling at me, lol. i just try to cuddle a little bit, but don't feel like there is any cuddling in return, so i get up for the day and make my coffee as i do every morning. as i sit outside and drink my coffee and chain smoke, my mind wanders about how we never have sex. on a good period i can average 3 times in two months. i truly think that it is the pre natal thing getting to her, becuase we used to be like rock stars before the baby came along. she was the one who couldn't get enough. but things change, and i understand that, it just sucks that we're not on that level anymore. and i worry if we'll ever fix it and be there again. so then i'm getting frustrated now. then my mind jumps to all the bills i have to pay today, and what little i'll have left over. today is payday. i am a cop, and last year i was "demoted" if you want to call it that, because i'm a "liability" with combat issues. with that demotion, i lost out about 600 a month. i am the only one that works in a family of four, one of those being a 10 month old baby. everything is so expensive. food, utilities, household items, gas, cigarettes, etc. so now the stress is adding to the depression/frustration. i build plastic military models as my hobby but have not touched them in months because i never have time or desire anymore. i used to cut myself with my exacto blades. cutting the same spot until i bleed bad and leave a scar. well she has caught onto this and gets really upset about it, telling me to stop acting like a teenage emo punk and if she catches me again, she's gonna fuck me up! lol. i wanted to cut myself this morning, but i have ran out of "excuses" on how i cut myself: digging in the shed, at work working on equipment, the chicken wire from the duck pen, etc. she isn't stupid. then i feel like i want to drive on the interstate and go head on with an 18-wheeler. but i will never do that because i want to see my son grow, and i'm just curious as to how my life will turn out. i feel myself going to work earlier everyday, and coming home later and later. i don't want to be home, but i don't want to be at work either. i lay on the other couch and look at her, and want to cuddle and be close to her so bad, but at the same time want to go over and knock her teeth out because she pisses me off so bad on certain issues and is so cold at times. yes she has thick skin and will stick with me to the end. i want to talk to a counselor or therapist, but am ashamed of it. i don't want people to know my problems. i don't want to loose my job, or be labeled as crazy, as the people at work already do call me. i don't want to be all hopped up on meds to where i don't give a shit about sex anymore. i just want to be normal again. where all i want to do is go to work, make my money, pay my bills, not be stressed out by everything or too wound up, spend time with my loving family, eat some dinner, watch some tv shows, go to bed, make love, and do it all over again the next day. happy! being happy!

now that i'm at work, all alone, on this site, i feel better, but i still have that lingering depression inside, and i know it leads to frustration then anger.

Loud and clear Brother.

I don't think anyone can prepare you for your first child. Not to mention any advice you get from people is complete bullshit. Add on top of that PTSD and Post Natal Depression. No fun at all. I can attest. And the rejection thing ain't so great either. You both need some help. That's obvious.

My shrink has me making detailed schedules in order to beat depression. I have parts of the day where I can do or not do, I have to schedule things very detailed in order not to slip into something where I sit in my flat for a week on end. It's extremely elemental and looks really stupid to "normal" people. But it helps.

There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You went through hell and this is a normal humans reaction to trauma. To show you where I'm at with this. Here's todays schedule, which for the most part I have completed.

1. Get up at 0700 or before.
2. Make coffee. Eat breakfast
3. Read papers for 1 hour.
4. Send off sample chapter and outline for book to publisher.
5. Eat lunch
5. Write next section of book....optional.
6. Take self for a walk.
7 Buy fresh veg.
8.Eat dinner
9 Bed before midnight.

It's that elemental. Otherwise, some days. I don't make it too far past number one and after that the sleep goes and then I'm in shit city. I also only make this out one day in advance. Stupid, but it helps. I think exercise helps immensely mentally. Maybe go for a walk with the baby every night with the wife. Woman love that. The old fashioned promenade with the family is a great booster for moral.

I'm no expert. But I do know I was in your exact situation 2 years ago and I fucked it up royally.

Hang Tough
Wagon.

not sure if this has to do with PTSD, but another thing she told me yesterday is that i am always negative about everything. i always feel that someone is out to get me. "my life sucks because if this, or that". nothing is ever good enough for me she says. is this part of PTSD as well?

Chris haven't been in your exact situation but been close as far as home life.. kinda know where you are coming from...

First... no VA counselor/psychaitrist etc is ever gonna think you are crazy.. if you were really crazy you wouldn't be trying to get help... to quote my professor from my second semester of Psychology.. "neurotics always think it is their problem, psychotics think they have no problem at all" so ok we can mark crazy off the list (everyone is neurotic in their own way)

I hear a lot of anger/not understanding/denial here.. jsut being honest... lol been there and done it and still do it today.. it's like a rotation..

Chris, the only thing I can say is talking to a professional can help you... there are 8 people on my PTSD team, from social workers to nurses to psychologists and psychiatrists .. it was hard to go down there but I did.. and ya if you read some of my posts sometimes I am angry at hell at em.. but deep down inside I know they are the reason I am still here.. the only thing I have keeping me around right now is Nichol... bless her heart.. now I have my dog Nala and I gotta be here for her cuz I don't want her going back in a shelter.. The psychs help me understand myself, my feelings, they can never uderstand the anger/feeling of betrayal/sense of guilt I have but they sure the hell know how to help me with it...

Brother... you can't do this by yourself... you really can't... and we can help you here and we all want to... you are one of us.. we coulda all served together were it not for all the years and miles between all of us... we know each other.. and ya ,,, some people know me better than myself... I have learned a lot... but you have to move beyond us eventually and get some care at the VA...

Meds will never cure you, but allow you to stabilize yourself.. and sex is a small sacrifice for the peace of mind that they give you... which might allow you and your wife to learn the new you... the counselling.. sometimes it is rough.. but that is when I come home from it and discuss it here.. these guys either help me understand it or pull me back on my chain because I am heading in the wrong direction...

In short we want what is good for you, but you have to want that too... sex/money/etc is not what is important.. it is learning how to tone down the beast... ya sometimes I have my moments like lately... but I am learning.. slowly..

Make an appt at the VA or use that link I sent you for the Vet Service centers... we are all brothers and sisters here... we got each others back... now it is time to get your own back... there is no shame... and even if you learn one thing about this it is worth it...

You gotta take care of yourself because without you the team suffers... extrapolate that to your family.. or even us.. you gotta be there for us so you gotta get yourself moving forward..

This is all new to you.. go slow and you have lots of advice and help here..

Just remember we are here... and don't want you to go down the same road some of us did..

Hehe. My wife used to get quite cross with my negative attitude. And I was the happy one in the family,

Depression + Anxiety. It sure ain't going to lead to a positive outlook on things.

The bitch about this is, when someone points out your behaviour, the natural reaction of the beast is to bite. Strike back and blame everyone else. Self preservation has something to do with that too I think.

Not sure if you know yet. We collectively call PTSD "The Beast". He's a real fucker. We don't like him. Of course he hates this place because he generally can't get in.

or if he does everyone runs him off...

Chris,
Wagon brought a real good point, do you two do things together as a couple that MY push you a bi out of the comfort zone? Like participate in any groups, sports etc.
Listening to you sounds similar to me and my ex. I used to sit around and act negative, get drunk/stoned, argue, bitch and think that the world was out to get me. Yeah, it could be both the anxiety and the depression and just the fact that you may feel like you're going at it alone.
What could YOU do to make your life better?
What could you and your wife do?

And take up these guys on any advice for help.

Hey brother, I am taking a deep breathe here because it is hard for me to share this, but I think in this case it needs to be said. Last year I had one of those days that just made me hate the world. I got my 9mm and drove out to my daughter's grave. (She passed when I was 19. Before I joined the military. But that's not the point here) I sat there for a while and after some thought I put the muzzle in my mouth and began to squeeze the trigger. Just then the cleaning crew for the cemetery showed up. I pulled the gun down and hid it. After realizing that I was not going to be able to do this I drove home. I sat down on the couch and stared into space. I looked over and saw the mousepad that I had gotten at the va with the crisis hotline on it. (1-800-273-8255 and Press 1) I talked to the guy for like two hours. He was very nice, and I did not feel judged at all. The very next day I was at the VA talking with a psychiatrist. I had hit rock bottom. And the good news about that is that I had nowhere to go but up. They can help. And I urge you to seek help. Knowledge is power, brother. It made me feel better just knowing that the things I was going through were the same things that others were going through. And that it was normal for someone who had gone to combat. With the help of family, friends, and the VA I am getting better. I still have my bad days. I still get the urge to smash some people's face with a brick. But I am better. One day at a time. I am better. All the folks on this site are more than willing to help. Feel free to give me a shout anytime. And like a lot of the others have said ask questions if you have them. Knowing is half the battle! lol Hang in there brother.

Welcome aboard Chris,

I'm going to come at you from a woman's perpesctive. It sounds like your wife is definetly suffering Postpartum Depression. She might be feeling very overwhelmed and scared caring for an infant, feel like she is not capable of handling her new duties as a mother. If she is not happy about her body image after having the baby she will not feel sexy or having sex. Her hormones are probably out of whack which can make having PMS seem like a cake walk.
You have needs she has needs and the baby has needs. Both adults have a few problems going on which make for a very stressful living arrangments.

I would recommend that you contact the nearest VA and get help. Is there an older woman your wife knows and trust, are you active in a church. Your wife should seek counseling about the Postpartum Depression. You both have a tough road ahead of you. If you wife would like she could message me if she needed to talk or vent. Like my brothers and sisters on this site we got your back. All of us on this site have been were you are right and understand. You and your wife are not alone.

Chris right with you with anger/worry/doubt/sex feeling.
I only learnt the term " the beast" yesterday and holy crap did it make sense. I find I have the sexual desire to "jump on the right foot and do the wrong thing" with the misses, but I hold back as I have a doubt if she wants me to, I don't like myself, so how can she like me?
On he flip side (and after talking to mrs sd about it, she's sh*t scared in case I reject or wig out over her advances.

What I'm trying to sat brother is, the same as medic5 in many ways, you've lost your self, and in many ways that means you've lost each other( not the same people right?) As hard as it us, and it is bloody hard, talk, this is the lady you love, and the real you before the beast wanted to spend the rest of your life with, you've talked before, dig deep and do it again. Your a vet, I'm a vet, we're all vets, that means we've dine hard horrible things we don't want to do ( think basic my friend lol) we've all done it though.

Sorry tough day so rambling, but I've made a promise to my self to speak from the heart here, and not delete (unless the spelling is cr*p lol). Your misses same as you needs some one to talk to bud, and you also need to talk between yourselfs. Your a different guy now, the beast is biting your arse, explain it as calm as you can. 13 years,married to my best friend and the only way I can truley get it out is to leave a note next to the kettle before I go to work, or an SMS message, As it is hard!
No more rambling,
Chin up, hang in there buddy
SD